I’m going to admit something that not a lot of people will:
I have a control problem. Always have.
The fear of losing control, or not having any control at all truthfully scares me. And this past month was a real trigger on what not having control does to me mentally, physically and spiritually. Loss of control made me reconsider if what I’m doing is worth the work. Can I continue to push past discomfort, fear and disappointment, taking a huge risk on what’s next without really knowing what’s to come?
There’s been so much talk over the years about “manifesting the life you really want,” and “speaking things into existence”, but to be quite honest: I’m all manifested out.
Coming into this year, I suffered a great deal of loss, pivots and unanswered questions. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, honestly ready to consider other options outside of video production as a possibility.
Was I holding onto something that no longer was for me? Was I clinging to my passion as my last hope because I didn’t want to let yet another thing go?
Instead of getting a confirmation, I got quiet, in your face reassurance:
“My ears had heard of you, but now, my eyes have seen you.” – Job 42:5
Reading that scripture was a great reminder that God has kept me, even in the most confusing moments. It forced me to sit down and think about what I wasn’t allowing myself to see:
- I had an unconventional path, but God still uses people in that. In fact, it’s His time to really get creative.
- If things worked out exactly the way I wanted, I would have never taken the chance I did on creating full-time. And most importantly, I would have never gotten a chance to see that I could begin again, even without a blueprint.
- I needed to learn that God can still use me in spite of my circumstances, just as He’s used others like Moses, Ruth, even Job.
As a creative, I love a good redemption arc. I love that the underdog can finally rise above the setbacks they encounter. But unlike a fictional, or even sometimes, real stories, I am finally coming to terms that even my own life is shaping to be that, even if I don’t exactly know the path that lies ahead for me yet.
If things worked out exactly the way I wanted, I would have never taken the chance I did on creating full-time. And most importantly, I would have never gotten a chance to see that I could begin again, even without a blueprint.
On Sunday, November 23, 2025, I said yes to a life with God.
My Baptism day was a super special, exciting, moment.
This moment comes in the midst of a season where I am grieving major loss.
Before October could even fully begin, I lost all of my work.
The in-progress.
The completed.
The in-between.
All of my visuals, gems, notes, plans, etc. from August 2024 to now.
This past year is a period of significance as I jumped fully into video production full-time.
At that point, I also closed the door on a 9-year relationship, I was grieving a move I wasn’t ready for, I was grieving plans I made that completely went left, and I found victory despite going through any of those things.
I purchased a new camera.
I was finally creating and getting hired for work that actually spoke to my passion and talent.
I reconnected with my community IRL.
I strengthened relationships and built new memories with my family I wasn’t able to living in a different state.
I got my first grant as a full time creative.
This was arguably the best year I’ve had in a long time, and I welcomed it.
But when grief came into my house again, it began to overshadow all of those beautiful moments.
My friends and family watched me fall apart in real time.
My momentum was gone.
My desire to create was also gone.
I was frustrated, confused, and even angry.
How could I finally be getting to THIS place and THIS happens?
I still don’t have the answers at all in this moment. What I do know is that God’s strength was the reason I still woke up every single day. God’s strength was the reason why I tried every single day. God’s strength was the reason I didn’t hide when people asked “are you okay?”. God’s strength overcame every setback I encountered, even though it didn’t feel pretty. Even though it’s hard. It’s emotional. It’s humiliating. God is still using my situation to help and bless others trying to just simply overcome while becoming.
So I am crying tears of joy. I am singing songs of gratitude. I am feeling all the love. I am feeling peace in my heart.
Maybe where I’m going needed a clean slate.
Maybe I needed strength to understand that I can begin again as many times as I need.
Maybe the work doesn’t define me.
I’ll never know the true answer, but I trust the One who does. ✝️
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#LifeInKD is a series and lifestyle platform where I get deeply personal about my life, my journey in my 30s and how I’m working to reignite the fire of my passion with what I love to do: film. Thank you for being a special part of the journey.
Coming up: “What I Wish I Knew” is a journey of trial, error and overcoming. This 4-week series continues as I take you behind the lens to channel my deepest fears and empowerment through action and changed behavior.
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